Chapter VIII, Episode 5:
A True Nutcracker
Olga and Wilhelm Makersmarkarova were licking their wounds while hiding in their secret lair just behind Maria’s Spanish/Italian/Mexican/American restaurant. Brenda Sue Wynette was not the only one to lose in the county commissioner’ polls. Wilhelm failed to get ANY votes. His partner in crime, Olga, was having to spoon feed him a hot toddy to soothe his wounded ego.
“Look, Wilhelm! The Nutcracker is on TV tonight. Now, that should put a smile on your handsome face.”
“Olga, I don’t want to see another man dance my role in The Nutcracker. You know that part is mine!”
“So true, my little Kremlin! You are more nuts than anyone I know. Now, just try another spoonful.”
“No, Olga. You are treating me like a child.”
“Wilhelm, tell me what will make you happy. I am running out of patience.”
“Well....... if you really want to know........it could be an early Christmas present.”
“Anything! Just tell me, Wilhelm!”
“I want to blow up something.”
Olga sighed. Is that all it would take to make her former KGB agent and sometimes dancer with the Sarasota Ballet happy? She smiled.
“You know, a good time bomb at the holidays can elevate so much stress. Did you have something in mind, my little tin soldier?”
“How about the Meat Cottage? You get the satisfaction of the ka-boom and a barbeque all in one.”
“Too messy! There would be brisket and spare ribs all over Indiana Avenue. No, not this year, my little sugar plum.”
“How about the Elks Club? They have denied my membership time after time!”
“Too big! And I for one like seeing that large plaster elk from the road. It reminds me of the old country... especially at Christmas.”
“Olga! I know! I want to blow up the home of Brenda Sue Wynette. She took away all of my votes with her write-in campaign in the county commissioners race.”
“So true! And I have despised her ever since she was a part-time lottery hostess. Even when she wore that lucky duck costume, I was jealous! I wanted that job!!!!!!”
“Rumor has it she has webbed feet, so do not cry, my little borscht bowl. It is hard to compete with that. But we agree? We will make a time bomb and blow up her tin can home before you can say Kwanza!
“Perfect, Wilhelm. That will really jingle her bells. Quick! Get your binoculars and we will go peek in her metal windows.”
And the evil pair were off to concoct a their deadly plan. Meanwhile, Brenda Sue was decorating her pink aluminum palace for the holidays.
You could easily spot the huge, swirling pink striped dredel as it spun in the center of the little skating rink she had installed outside her front door in the trailer park. Once inside her fuchsia carpeted abode, she had put a spinning wheel of strawberry lights on her 8-foot aluminum Christmas tree. Eartha Kitt singing “Santa Baby” blared from the speakers of her vintage stereo. Though tone deaf, she sang along, belting out the words with plenty of...... well.... Christmas spirit. Actually, she had swallowed a good deal of Christmas spirit and her blender whirled with a fresh batch of peppermint schnapps and Slim-fast.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Brenda Sue was in a chatty mood and hoped it was her sister, Wanda Lou Wynette. She quickly bundled the pink flamingo studded throw she was knitting her for Christmas and shoved it under the magenta sofa. She opened the door. To her surprise, there stood an elderly couple, dressed in winter woolens.
“Excuse us for bothering you, little one, but we are Ukranian immigrants, lost in this place you call Rotonda. Could we come in out of the cold like the spies?”
If Brenda Sue had been in her normal state of mind, she would have been suspicious of the pair, wrapped in sheep’s clothing on an 80 degree December evening in Florida. But Brenda Sue opened wide the door to her humble pink abode and welcomed the strangers into the mobile home. Little did she suspect what holiday mischief awaited her in..... Englewood.
Do not miss the live theatrical production of this column in the play CRACKERVILLE! coming to the Englewood Art Center January 17 - 26, presented with the Paradise Acting Company. Tickets are $10.00 and make a great holiday gift. Box office: 941-474-5548. Don’t miss it! You might be in it.