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Englewood:THE SOAP
home : features : englewood:the soap June 24, 2016

Englewood: The SOAP!

Elizabeth Spicer
Contributing Writer

Chapter IX, Episode 4: A Whale of a Tale

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

“Who wants pie?”

It was Al Bush, manager of the Dizzy Whizz diner and his faithful bus boy Ricky Bob Burrows. Al was carrying just about the biggest lemon cream pie anyone had ever seen. Ricky Bob had paper plates and plastic forks in his hands, as well as a Boy Scout canteen full of hot java. It was something to see.

“Hold it right there, Al Bush. You know I do not allow solid food in my house!” yelled Brenda Sue.

“Ray take pie to his house.”

“When did you ever have a house? The last time I saw you, you had a pup tent set up in the Elk’s parking lot.”

Rather than have Brenda Sue and Ray Chung grapple over the pie, Wanda Lou quickly grabbed the treat and placed it on top of the fridge.

“Now everybody settle down. Thank you, Al, for bringing us one of your gourmet treats! Brenda Sue, you know you don’t have to eat any and Ray Chung can only have one piece. Al and Ricky Bob sit down. Biff Bornstein is about to tell the tale of what happened on our wedding day that never was.”

“Oh, I remember that fiasco. I was the wedding planner. Linda Stephens did the flowers.”

“Yes. All pink. The pollen just about killed me.” said Wanda Lou.

“Well the Calamine lotion matched your dress.” said Ricky Bob.

“That is so like you, Ricky Bob, always looking on the bright side. Here, let’s cut the pie so Biff can tell the tale. “

“ Ray say: Al cut pie. Biff talk.”

“It all began when my chauffer, Sven, tried to get me to the church on time. We had to get mother to stop crying and pry her neatly manicured fingers from around my ankles, but Sven and the gardener gave it the old community college try. I can still hear mummy’s screams as we rolled down the palm tree lined driveway in the Rolls. Little did I know that would be bright spot in the day.”

“Ray say: Biff’s mama hot! She two of any woman. Maybe three!”

“That’s neither here nor there...nor anywhere, Ray. But I do recall it was a hot day.”

“I always wanted a June second wedding!” said Wanda Lou.

“Due to the unusual heat, Sven and I were sweating feverishly by the time the Rolls arrived at the Boca Grande causeway.”

“What was the toll fee back then, Biff?”

“One hundred and eighty dollars. Biff grumbled, but I didn’t mind. Wanda Lou was worth it!”

“Oh, Biff!” sighed Wanda Lou.

“Oh, brother!” said Brenda Sue. “Give me some of that pie!!!”

There was an audible gasp in the room. Al, with trembling hands, cut Brenda Sue a slice of pie. His hands shook as he handed her the pie on the paper plate. Everyone’s eyes were glued to Brenda Sue.

“Well, go on, Biff. Tell your story.” Brenda already was dabbing at the filling on the tip of her nose. Lemon yellow was not her color.

“Gosh! Gee! Wow! I have never seen you eat, Brenda Sue.” said Ricky Bob.

“Well, get a good look ‘cause you will never see it again. The last time I ate pie was at the counter at Food Is Love. The stool gave way right under my curvaceous derriere. Of course, now I get free barbeque for life. I just can’t eat it.”

“Brenda Sue make Ray cry. Fortunately, Ray used to that.”

“Go on, Biff, finish your story.”

“Why, Wanda Lou, I have barely begun to tell the story. Let’s see, where was I? Oh, yes. It is coming back to me. We were moving at a clip, approaching the bridge when Sven’s eyes began to fill with sweat. The man couldn’t see! The car began to twist and turn. The next thing I remember, we were underwater!”

“From Sven’s sweat??!!??” asked the naive bus boy.

“Heavens no! We had plunged off the bridge into the turquoise waves. We were trapped in the water in the Rolls!”

“How deep was it, Biff?”

“It must have been at least three feet. The foam of the waves was lapping against the running board. I will never forget the feeling of the sand under my spats as I stepped out of the back seat and tried to free Sven.

“More pie, please.” asked Brenda Sue.”

“Ray put flip flop down. Say: no, no, no. Brenda Sue watch perky pageant figure.

“If I don’t get more of that pie, I will wrap your flimsy kimono around your scrawny neck and run you up the flag pole at the post office on River Road.” 

“Wait a minute, everyone.” said Wanda Lou. “Where’s my BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Where is little Ray Lee Dawn Chung? Will Biff ever get to finish his story? And who will get the last piece of pie? Don’t miss the next installment of ENGLEWOOD: The Soap!

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